Collected Wisdom for Parents

Collected Wisdom for Parents

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There are many bad situations with dysfunctional parents. This conversation assumes parents who are not addicted to substances or things, provide worthy food, shelter, and love for their children. That is step one.

Step two is the parent coming alongside their child and living an outward facing life together. Outward towards nature, outward towards their Creator, and outwards towards others as opposed to an inward facing life. An inward facing life is narrow and its tone is one of withholding; focused on omitting rather than filling.

I offer this third piece of collected thoughts to offer some knowledge of God, some knowledge of mankind, and some knowledge of universal principles so as to provide a quick sketch towards an overarching guide to parenting children of all ages.

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Your child is fully human from the day of birth; they are not a lower life form that will evolve into something more. They are just like you in all ways but two, which we will come to in a minute. For now, understand that your child has all of the wants, passions, and desires that an adult has with possibly the exception of sexual desire, which will develop sooner than you might think! The passions and desires of the material body are connected in this way, to train one area is to train all of the others. The little boy who cannot tell himself no to chocolate cake will be the man who cannot say no to porn and worse.

God has created us in such a way that training the desires (wants/ passions) is the job of the individual. This is something no one else can do for you. The problem we run into with children is that the ability to discern and choose are not fully developed at birth. These are the two ways in which your child differs from a mature adult. This is why children are given parents for such a long period of time. They need help in these two areas until they are equipped to do them on their own.

Discerning and choosing, and passing these abilities to your kids, is the role of the parent. We do these jobs for them, until they are equipped enough to do them on their own. Our job is to do and to equip for independent function. Parents are obligated under God, and the law, to do this for their children until they are 18 years of age.

If a child is left to themselves from birth onward, by the time knowledge and will mature the passions (wants/ desires) will have formed such deep habits that it will be extremely difficult, if not impossible for them to overcome. In human development the passions have a headstart, and by the time knowledge and the ability to will catch up – the child will have inadvertently been trained to (or become addicted to) doing what the passions yell at them in any given moment.

The person who throws fits, says whatever they think, does whatever they want, is not a person of strong will as is commonly said. They are in fact a person of weak will being tossed around by their passions. They are victims of themselves. Powerless people.

And so, the parent has two primary goals for equipping their child for self-management:

1)      to help the child form right habits of behavior. External.

2)      To give the child knowledge with which to make judgements.

Internal.

The goal for a mature person (which is not an age!) is that they have motivating reasons why governing their external interactions with the world matters. And also, a strong Will to choose the right that they know.

A parent’s job in a nutshell is to train habit, inform ignorance, and strengthen will.

Deputed Authority

I say it is the parent’s job rather than the child’s at this stage, based on the idea of what is called Deputed Authority. Parents hold a legitimate authority over their children that allows them to act for and constrain them in certain ways until they are able to do these things for themselves. This privilege comes not of being smarter, bigger, stronger, or “more of a person” – but is given (deputed) by God the supreme authority over all mankind and the only being worthy of holding that sort of power. Absolute power over other persons unmasks corruption: the Bible says that all have fallen, and that there is no one who is worthy, no not one. No person is fit to wield that level of power, and so God holds it and in certain cases deputizes others in this material world. This is one of the primary dangers of slavery. The absolute power of one person over another is not only a violation to the personhood of the slave, but a corruption of personhood to the slave holder. All positions of power in this life are deputed and held in trust with specific protectants in place.

God deputizes authority to certain positions: i.e. parents, governments, the church, to name a few. With this privilege of power there are strict boundaries to keep them from violating the personhood (will & the right of conscience) of the individuals under them. As a parent you are not free do what you want with your kids, or to expect what you want of your them, or to excuse what you want. Your position (not you!) is one of authority, but you too are under authority; and only because you are under authority do you ethically wield power over your child. Your child has a duty to you, only because you have a duty to a higher authority. Your child should honor your position of authority, only because you honor the positions of authority in your life and so gain legitimacy. By obeying you, your child is learning, not to submit to a person, but rather to universal laws and principles via your representation of them. You are the tangible manifestation of those things and you have a duty to make them accurate and constant.

This truth has a both a negative and a positive effect for you. On one hand, it will limit you! This is a very good thing. On the other hand, you will not have to drum up rules, or bluster to legitimize your rule. Who among us is worthy or fit to that task? None, no not one. We are deputed, for their protection… and ours. You can/should fall back on your position, your duty.

“Children obey your parents for this is right.” Not because I am big, or smart, or kind, or cruel. But because I am a fallible person under a specific obligation of deputed authority to you. Not because it is convenient, or because you will get a treat, or will be kept safe, but because it is right. This does not mean that reasons for decisions should never be given, that is part of calibrating them towards self-management, but the reason for the obedience in the moment is your loving position of authority. In a sense they are not obeying you or you logic but your position which should be one of such calm sanity and reasonableness that they are safe in doing this.

To an older child, “Even though I have considered this carefully, I may be wrong on this, but I am asking you to honor the decision, and regardless - you will be blessed for that honor.”

As parents, we should ask ourselves, “Do I have the right make this expectation?”

Additionally, we should ask, “Do I have the right to waive this expectation?”.

Like the centuriation in the Bible, we too are men under authority. Our position is predicated on our own submission to a higher authority. This should come up in conversation with our kids. We don’t want to inadvertently train our children to mindlessly obey people this will make them easy prey for manipulation as adults, but rather we want them to learn to distinguish universal laws and principles, and ultimately to be able to submit their will to the Author of those things.

Habit Training

The effort of decision is the hardest thing in the world. Parents who constantly present their children with choices at every turn are putting an unhealthy stress on them. Put yourself in their position! When you are presented with many choices, with little to no knowledge or context – it is exhausting. Our lives run smoothly when we have created habits for all of the basic things of life. Habit, once trained, does away with the effort of constant decision.

Habits are like train tracks. Railroad tracks allow the train to move peaceably through its course without effort of steering. Laying the track is work, but once it is there it saves untold amounts of effort and attention. Same thing with habits. Examples of habits that make for smooth and easy days:

·         Look at the person speaking and always make a response.

·         Touch the cart when in the grocery store.

·         Touch a parent’s arm and wait when you need to tell them something.

·         Put toys on the shelf, rather than on floor.

·         Hang up clothes when you take them off.

·         Sit in this chair at mealtimes.

·         A morning routine: Tidy bed when you rise, Pee, brush teeth, etc.

·         An evening routine: dinner, plate to sink, bath, story, etc.

For more on practical how-to watch “Laying Down the Rails” from Simply Charlotte Mason.

The reason many parents have trouble instilling habits in their children is that they are not people of habit themselves. Either: they are victims living under the “tyranny of the urgent”, or they value their “freedom” and so drift though their days doing whatever feels right at the moment. Both are postures of powerlessness. We must be powerful people who will our way through life. We cannot expect things of our kids that we don’t expect of ourselves. The absolute best way to train habit in your children is to let them live organically alongside yours and absorb your atmosphere. More is caught than taught. For help with your own habits read/listen to the book “Atomic Habits”.

If at this point you are done with this plan because it requires too much of you, at least finish this paragraph. We owe our children a quite growing time; if you have children this is your primary duty to God and man. Everything else can come later. Society and eternity may well depend on how well you do this space of time. Push the clutter out. It may be extra-curricular activities, it may be your phone, it may be drama in relationships, or expectations for lifestyle (flamboyant or quaint), quiet those things for this sacred season.

Put it down, get along, live imperfectly, steer towards peace in order to preserve a quiet growing time for your children. A space where you can attend. It is unjust and even abusive to live a fast and determined life, to drag your kids through the wake of your dust and ambitions pausing only to discipline when they inconvenience you. This is not parenting. The foundation of healthy, relational parenting is habit training. Discipline is an entirely different topic, one that will rarely surface if habit training is in place.

I am not telling you that your life has to be dull, that there is not space for unexpected possibilities. There is always space within a well-ordered life for spontaneity and exceptions. But holidays are only holidays if they aren’t every day. Treats are only treats when they are unexpected.

Obedience

One of the most important habits that we can give our kids is the habit of prompt obedience. If you begin this habit young enough, or if your kids are older and you can cast this vision properly, it is possible to establish the habit of prompt obedience without engaging the Will. Many smooth days can be enjoyed riding on this habit of a quick and happy command, followed by a quick and happy response, and the material self follows the lead of the immaterial self, much like the cars follow the engine.

My mom is famous for training the littlest grands to lisp “yes m’am” when in the midst of a defiant fit of “Nos!”, and once uttered they mysteriously turn and do the very thing they were so resistant to!

As the child grows older, there will come a time when obedience becomes more of an act of the will rather than of habit. It is here that understanding and cautions are in order.

No one can make anyone do anything, no matter how much bigger they are than them. To do so would require abuse; if not outright physical abuse, then abuse of personhood by violating another person’s will. All person’s must be free to choose. This is a standard set by God himself in the Garden of Eden, this precedent must be followed by parents, spouses, churches, governments, and friends.

When a situation arises that is not covered by habit, an act of the Will should be made, not yours – theirs! In training children to be strong of Will, people who are powerful and purposeful and not easily manipulated by others in their adulthood, we must handle these training areas carefully.

The parent should present the choice clearly, they should explain the consequence (outcome) of each choice but then must stand back and allow the child to choose to obey or not obey. Parents may not manipulate the personhood of their children through coercion, bribes, threatening, or force. It is likely that one of those things would work for your child, the trouble is that once you have found the “thing” that works for that individual, you have discovered their particular weakness, a chink in their armor, and you are exploiting it, wallowing it out and making it more cavernous, rather than fortifying it. Others will exploit it to.

Parents must provide opportunities for their children to choose to obey and follow instructions and then allow for accurate knowledge to be gained by allowing the consequences to play out. Choice and the consequences of those choices play a crucial part in shaping future character. Parents do not have permission in most circumstances to control choice, but they often control consequences, this is part of their rightful job, their deputed authority from God.

Consequences should be relevant. This means that they are stated in advance and as much as possible they should be a natural extension of the choice made. Consequences should not be exaggerated and dramatic – but should also not be understated or delayed. As much as possible a parent’s consequences should be mirroring the real world. To not have consequences for known wrongs, or to stand in the way of consequence is to do your child a disservice by misrepresenting reality to them. At some point they will be tossed into the ring of real life where they will be pummeled mercilessly if their time with you was only a buffer. This is not love. Prepare them now.

Ironically, often the consequence to your child will be inconvenient you. Be ready to bear it, quietly. You are not allowed to guilt them, or groan, or complain, this would be emotional  manipulation. This would communicate a powerless person. Inconvenience is part of parenting. This is part of why you need to slow and quiet your life. Allow space for the unplanned and the messy, your children are worth it. Be late for church, miss the appointment, change your plans.

Often when we hear that we should provide opportunities for our children to choose, we fall into the misunderstanding of peppering the day with artificial choices. “Opportunity to choose” does not mean petty things like which color shirt, pigtails or braids, pasta or rice. Those are the kinds of twaddling choices that wear one down. These are not the kinds of choices that build character, Remember, many choices are exhausting. Habit preserves the strength of the Will for things that do matter: in real life, and also for character.

Kids are not fooled when they are offered a million options about the color of their socks and number of straws in their drink but are hemmed in and manipulated when they want the climb the stairs after being told not to or refuse to wear their jacket only to have their mother force it onto them.

For choice to matter, it has to matter!

Thought Turning

A key element of habit-training is to the ability to “change your thoughts”. The Will is not designed to make long-term efforts against temptation but rather acts in short bursts of decision. The effort of Will is fatiguing, which is why it should be saved for meaningful choices.

The moment the Will rises and make makes a choice, the person should “change their thoughts” to another direction. Something totally different, something light, something delightful and distracting. Something that faces them outward. Part of parenting should be the passing on of this fact and the ability to do it to our older children.

When children are young we can help them with this. As soon as they make an act of their Will to obey or desist (you will see it in their eyes or in their posture) you should be ready to quickly introduce a new direction of thought or item to distract them and so buy a rest for their Will so that they can be ready for the next effort that comes along. To understand what thought-turning is and is not let’s look at a couple of examples:

·         As soon as I choose to not eat the Oreos, I put the bag away and go outside. I don’t sit and gaze at them!

·         As soon as I choose to forgive and stop dwelling on an offense, I begin to plan what I want to wear to that

event tomorrow or mentally rearrange the furniture in my bedroom!

·         When the child is told not to go up the stairs or touch the item on the coffee table, the moment I perceive them

turn away I offer them a car to roll or point out the cardinal on the windowsill.

·         When I tell my child to get off their bike because it is time to leave the park. As soon as they do I mention what

we will do later.

The last two may cause some questions. The perceptive person will ask, “How is this different than bribery or manipulation?” It is different in this crucial way, the thing or idea offered is ONLY OFFERED AFTER THEY HAVE MADE AN ACT OF THEIR WILL TO OBEY OR TURN AWAY from the thing. This is thought-turning. This is giving them a restful distraction after what is a tremendous effort of Will. Obeying is hard. Voluntarily submitting your Will to another person’s is the ultimate act of strength and courage.

Manipulation in the above scenarios would be to offer the thing or idea as motivation to do the desired thing.

“Don’t go up the stairs. Oh! Look at the bird on the window. Come here. Come here! (pulling them from the stairs) Look at this bird!”

Or,

“Don’t touch the vase,  here look at this car (setting it on the table in front of them), come play with this car instead.”

Or,

“It’s time to leave the park, get off the bike and we will go get ice cream.”

An interaction that builds a strong Will, and establishes a habit of right doing, rather than nagging and manipulation, could look like:

“Don’t climb the stairs.”  And then the moment they turn away, whisk them off to something fresh and outward. It may even be to draw their attention to their own fingers! “How many fingers do you have on this hand? Let’s count them.”

This is a win win interaction. The Will got some use and so grew. The habit of obedience made a little brain-groove, and the concept of thought-turning got a start. As they get older you can let them in on the secret of themselves!

The techniques described above should be 90% of your interactions with your child. You should be on the alert for meaningful opportunities to choose and then be right there with a good distraction after the act of Will has been made. Work and rest, work and rest, builds muscles - and also strong Wills!

Do not require your child to have toe to toe stand-offs with temptations, that then turn into show downs with you. The Will is not designed to make extended efforts, but rather short bursts of decisions, followed up by turning away to something else.

Defiance & Discipline

If habit-training and thought-turning are firmly in practice, discipline will rarely be needed. For when it is, the Bible has a nice precedent for parents: “If anyone then knows the good they ought to do, and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.” (James 4:17) There is much in this short sentence. We are only responsible for the things we know. This is huge. For parenting this means that for a choice to warrant discipline the child must have, beyond a shadow of a doubt, known the expectation and have purposely chosen to go against it in a defiant way.

Your children will likely do hundreds of weird and wacky things that don’t make a lick of sense as they are growing up! No matter how messy or inconvenient or mad they make you, most of those things will not warrant discipline – but rather continuing habit training.

You may not hold a child responsible for an act, until you have clearly communicated the expectation. This does not mean that you have to tell them over and over. They are smart! But you do have to have taken the time to communicate expectations well and then hold to them consistently. If something is a “no”. It must always be a no. It is unjust to make a child guess your mood and preference on any given day. This will create a healthy limit for what you require of your kids. Say no as little as possible. But when you do, hold to it. Consistency is everything.

What form of discipline should you use? I will leave that to you. Some families feel comfortable with a sharp smack to the bottom of young children. Some feel more comfortable with a time-out chair. Older kids are often best disciplined with loss of privileges or added jobs. I have seen all approaches work. The key to any of them working, and none becoming a form of either physical abuse, or emotional abuse, is consistency. What “works” is not the heaviness of the application (the number of swats or the number of days grounded) – but the constancy, the expectedness of it, the anticipation of the known known. Discipline should be a physical token of a known wrong. A material consequence to an immaterial understanding. A joining of the two elements of personhood, the material and the immaterial.

The goal of discipline is not pain, emotional or physical, but rather recognition. Often parents undertake discipline in a utilitarian way, to make something stop. They want to stop the behavior, to stop the whining, to stop the embarrassment. This is the wrong idea. The discipline may make the kid louder! Or more noticeable! It may cause the problem to flare-up or throw a damper on the mood. This does not mean that the discipline was a failure. If it was handled in the right way, it will bear fruit – even if the fruit is not immediately apparent. I don’t discipline my kid to make them quieter or better in that very moment, but rather as part of a long-term plan. Don’t be embarrassed by your children, don’t be intimidated by your children. Parenting isn’t a pony show with a ribbon to the best behaving pony. It is a relational process with the goal of turning out adults who can discern and choose the right of their own accord. 

Children should feel the justice of the discipline. This doesn’t mean that there should be a long conversation upon the application of the discipline. This type of thing often reads as self-justification for the parent. Justice and duty are written on the hearts of all people. We know when we have transgressed a known wrong and we feel the justice of consequences and disciplines even though we may squawk at them. This is true for adults and children. I have never found it helpful to have someone preaching at me in the moment.  Discipline for known offenses should be swift, definite, and private. Take the child out of the view of prying eyes and preserve the dignity of their personhood.

For a model, think of a good and dignified police officer giving you a speeding ticket. They are calm, cool, and collected. They are serious but polite. Their self-control adds weight to the experience. You have not offended them personally, you have offended the law and they are merely the representative enforcement of that law.

Now think of a less mature police officer. Perhaps they flail their hands and jump around. Maybe they stomp their feet and yell. Perhaps they threaten with a flood of words rather than calmly hand you a ticket. Would you have any respect for such a ridiculous spectacle? I have been there, and I didn’t!

As a final thought for discipline. We discipline for our child’s good, not for our image or convenience. With this in mind consider that in my opinion, random events of even outright defiance have a marginally negative effect. I’m not giving a blanket covering for these types of events, hear the leading of the Holy Spirit in each situation, but I stand on solid ground when I say that it is the HABIT of something that is truly detrimental and corrupting. With this in mind, don’t feel pressured to react to your child if they have a random “act of passion” and you are caught “flat-footed”. Sometimes the thing to do is get through the episode, maintain your dignity, and then pray and ponder. If the offense is becoming a pattern in that child’s life, it will happen again. You have time to plan your response to the next occurrence: you will be confident, thoughtful, and prepared to act decisively.

Instructing the Conscience

We have said that the goal of parenting is two parts, strengthening the will to choose and preserving the child from addiction to the passions until that ability comes online, and giving knowledge with which to discern right from wrong. We have dealt with the first in the previous chapters, now let’s turn to the fact that parents should be actively working themselves out of their managerial roles. It is a power that will corrupt us if we hold it too long. The goal of life is to be able to remove external controls, move from an external locus of control – and be able to function via an internal locus of control. To be able to discern the right and choose it.

As we are protecting them from addiction and strengthening their will to choose, we should simultaneously be filling them with reasons why. As I said in the discipline section, preaching in the moment is not effective. Even in quieter places lists and lectures and maxims are not enough, the thing that motivates action is an idea. The most powerful thing in the world is not an atomic bomb; it is an idea. All external actions can be traced back to an inspiring idea. The most exciting statement in the world is, “I have an idea”. It is full of hope and possibility and latent action.

Ideas are best conveyed in stories.

Much has been said about the importance of reading to children by literacy groups. And while all of those mechanical things are true. The primary reason that we should read widely is that we are storing them with ideas upon which their conscience will calibrate itself, and with which the Holy Spirit will work as fodder – the basis of their self-governance.

All persons are born with a conscience. No one is born with a perfectly functioning conscience. It must be calibrated in much the same way a rifle scope has to be sighted in, or an electronic compass must be oriented. We calibrate the conscience, not through information or rote, but through ideas. Not ideas of one side or another – but exposure to both. Truth is realized through contrasts. Truth rises to the surface of conversations like cream in milk. Stories give children a wide yet safe exposure to many peoples, places, ideas, and consequences. They can live a thousand lives, experience a thousand outcomes through the pages of well-chosen books. All reading is not equal – quality books should be carefully chosen.

Is your child struggling with selfishness? Rather than lecture and nag, find a story with a character with this flaw. Let them gaze as into a mirror and see how it goes for them. Do not point the moral – just sow the seed. Does your child need to practice more responsibility, find a story with a character that inspires with this trait. Don’t make it a sermon and so kill the life. Just let it sit.

The Holy Spirit speaks to us through our conscience. Wide reading gives Him a language to speak with. The Bible is the ultimate living book, with a story suited to every need, this should be the foundation of your reading. But all truth and goodness are God’s, and it is vital that we don’t shy away from the many inspiring ideas that He has given others.

Relationship & Atmosphere

At the end of the day your child is not a project or a product. They are a relational human being, and you are their nearest and first experience with relationship. Your interactions with them now will set templates for their relational lives in the future.

Do you want your son married to a nagging woman who scowls at him and belittles him?

Do you want your daughter in relationships with emotionally abusive men who play on her weaknesses?

These things will be absorbed as normal if it is the kind of relationship they are raised in. Step back, breathe and smile at them.

Children are like flowers following the movement of the sun throughout the course of a day, they will turn their faces to anyone who will smile at them. Be that person or someone else will. Enjoy your kids. Many lackadaisical parents have raised good kids exclusively because they had a rip-roaringly fun time doing it. This may seem like an easy out. Let’s do that instead!

The problem is, it is hard to enjoy a little someone who is constantly pushing boundaries, tearing things up, abusing the people around them, or is simply sullen and ill-tempered because they perceive weakness and helplessness in the adults in their lives. They want someone to respect and look up to – and it is supposed to be you! They feel insecure in the world without boundaries. Recall, that they lack discernment and the ability to choose (even if they have a hunch that they should) and are dependent on us for that locus of control. Without it, they feel unmoored, adrift, insecure, and afraid whether they can name those reasons or not. Very often a kid will bully other kids and even their parents when they feel that no one is in charge. They will take the unclaimed power upon themselves and it is not intended for them, will corrupt them.

Take the lead. Offer stability. Smile at your kids. Laugh with your kids. Watch them do their stunts. Listen to their stories. Feel their pains and disappointments as deeply as they do, before you try to tell them it is ok and to get over it. Cry with them. Apologize to them, ask for their forgiveness when it would be required for an adult interaction.

Touch your kids. It is sad how much more petting and attention the family dog often gets than the children of the home. It doesn’t have to be overt. If this is new for you they may act awkward – keep trying.  I’m personally not a hugger so this is a challenge for me. You might trace their hand with your fingertip while sitting in church, stroke their hair or tickle their back while watching a movie together. Hug them, even if they wiggle away. Wrestle them. Snuggle them. Appropriate touch is one of the most powerfully bonding things for humans. If you don’t touch them, someone else will and they will be easy prey for people with ulterior motives.

Ultimately our kids will absorb our atmosphere. No amount of habit training or discipline can make up for a sour atmosphere. Value relationship over embarrassment. Value relationship over abstract obedience. Again, that is not a get-out-of jail free card; healthy relationships have boundaries (this is your job as the parent) and require both people to be powerful, rather than powerless (this speaks of habit and will). This is the domain in which you have been deputed by God to set the tone and take the lead.

Be a powerful person, by willing purposefully – and train your kid to be your equal.

Sara Timothy 2026