(Can I share something a little off topic? A little bit personal? Something that has been on my heart and might give you a glimpse of, "Life isn't always easy.. Sometimes my heart bleeds words. Here are some of them.)
Having a farm I have been with animals when they died. I knew it was coming. It was obvious. Well, maybe not to other people, but it was to me. When you’ve spent time with a being- know it, I mean really know it, there are signs. It is the little things, the things that could be missed or misinterpreted. The things that, if you hadn't seen the progression of before, you might miss. The way they stand. The way they stare. They sometimes shift around or grind their teeth- it isn’t always the same, isn’t always textbook, it varies from case to case, but the signs are there. Their mouth feels cool inside as they mouth your fingers trying to make contact. Little things. Little things that in the moment you explain away, but in time you recognize for what they are. Signs.
I have been with people too. Held them as they slipped away. I don’t mean bodily death, no- their bodies remained, and they lived some semblance of a life- but not the one their Creator destined them for. I’ve been there when people lost their soul, their spirit, their heart, their destiny. I’ve been with them. Held on to them- or tried. Could feel the coolness begin to settle in. I’ve seen the stance, the stare, the little things that could be missed, but when you know a person- really know them, there are signs. Things you explain away, things that couldn’t mean that with this person. But once you have seen the progression- you know. You recognize them for what they are. Signs.
I see the signs in you. I can’t explain it with words- if I tried there would be nothing that stuck. Nothing that could make you see what I see. It would sound silly and small- But I’ve seen it before, and I know the progression. I see the little things- the coolness is trying to settle on you, and you can’t let it.
I think that when things die, bodily or spiritually, there must be an acceptance that comes. I think it must feel comfortable- because they don’t struggle. You must struggle.
That you find yourself here is not your fault. You are wounded. Due to no fault of your own you have been wounded. You will have to keep that wound clean and covered. You will have to be on your guard against the one who would seize the opportunity for infection; the one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. You. Must. Not. Get. Infected. I will help you. I will hold onto you. I will prod you and make you uncomfortable- because you can’t get comfortable- that is how it happens. It is one of the signs. I will point them out to you while you are vulnerable and disoriented- if you will let me. It might make you resist me, but I am willing to take that risk. The animals do that too sometimes. They don’t want to be nursed and tended. They want to be comfortable and so they go off on their own- but they never come back. I want to say that I won’t let that happen to you, but I can’t. That is something you will have to decide.
You must care. Don’t ever stop caring- care about everything- even the things that don’t feel important right now. The cynicism is part of the coolness that tries to settle. Shake it off. Shake yourself. Care, even when caring feels like it will break your heart. Let it break. We serve to one who can mend it. To cease to care is a sign. It is to give up, to take the path of least resistance.
Do not become cynical. You will have to care to stay on the rock. You will have to fight to stay above the waves. It isn’t fair. I know it isn’t fair for this to be pushed on you while you are wounded- but life isn’t fair. You will be stronger because of this- you will be strong because you. will. struggle. and you. will. care.
Having a farm I have been there when animals recovered. All of the signs of death were there, and then… they recovered. What the difference is between one case and another I may never know, but I have a hunch a big part of it is spunk. A will to resist and shake it off. You have the will. You have the spunk. The signs will not progress for you. They will be your signal to struggle to resist. You will live, bodily and spiritually. You will live the life your Creator has mapped out for you. You have destiny in you and that wound will not hold you back. It will heal- and I will be with you while it does.
You will not slip away.